The first was probably in my sophomore year of college, when a student who was very close to some of my best friends died by suicide. His was the fourth suicide on campus in one year. I would hate to diminish the personal grief that the people who knew him well experienced, but it really felt like the whole community was grieving, too. I remember barely sleeping for a couple days straight, and walking over to my friend's dorm in the middle of the night to hold each other and cry.
The second happened about a year later, when my wonderful friend and former roommate, Anne, died in a car accident. She had just graduated, and was biking across the country with a group that fundraised for/built affordable housing. She and another rider were hit by a car in Idaho. It really sucked, and I think about her all the time.
Our family dog, Reba, just passed away this spring. We got to spend over a decade with her. Right around the same time, my grandpa's health started to decline significantly. He passed away early this morning. (By the way, I've always called him Paw Paw so that's what you'll see from here on out.)
There's lots of media that talks about grief in really meaningful ways, but The Midnight Gospel immediately comes to mind -- especially because I just watched it last week. If you haven't checked it out yet, I'd recommend starting from episode 4. If you feel confused and overwhelmed, that's how you'd feel for the first 3 episodes, too, so don't worry about it. But anyway, the basic conceit of the show is that much of the audio is lifted from co-creator Duncan Trussel's podcast interviews, with Pendleton Ward and his team animating another, somewhat related story on top of that. It all feels pretty disjointed for a while, but the show eventually fleshes out its main character and his world; then it gets SO INTROSPECTIVE and SO GOOD. Here's a trailer!
The last episode is a conversation between Duncan and his mother, Deena, recorded in 2013. At the time, she was dying from stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I'll let you know now -- I was sobbing for about half the episode (but trying to be quiet about it so my brother sitting right next to me could still enjoy the show lol). It honestly touched me so much that it's hard to organize my thoughts around it, but that's why we're here so I will try to push through!!
I guess the moments that I keep coming back to as I think about Paw Paw are these:
Duncan and his mom are discussing her death, and she points out that if you look at the world around you, things appear and disappear all the time. I read this as talking about other organisms, too, but also like mountains, rivers, entire planets, stars, what have you. But she says that we, as humans with egos, personalize that. We like to believe that we're special exceptions, but we're just a part of that whole, and everything that makes us up will be transfigured into something new when we're gone. Then -- I'll just quote the show directly:
Duncan: No, I know there's transfigur-, I know, I know, I know, but come on. There's no way to stop the heartbreak. How do you... What do you do about that?
Deena: You cry! You cry.
I've done a lot of crying in the past day.
Shortly after, the two transform from humans into mostly amorphous beams of light, drifting through space together. They talk about how death is an encounter with truth. It breaks us out of our usual "automatic" way of thinking, where we tend to assume that everything is stable, and awakens us to the reality that we discussed earlier - that the world around us is always changing and we are a part of that.
They say that the truth - it breaks your heart open. And it hurts. But when you inquire into that hurt, you find that it's love ("the real deal", as Deena says.) It's there because you love others deeply, and because you love life.
I really believe that. I think it's somewhat common to think about living for the dead after their gone, and to honor their memory by carrying some of their best qualities in yourself. And I think that's healthy and good, but I also think that the hurt you feel - and the love you feel - means that you were already carrying them with you to begin with. And just trying your best to keep living with your heart open is all you need to do.
Not sure if that all made sense, but it felt right to me.
I love you, Paw Paw. <3
